Its ok, it is, well it has to be, so it is. It’s ok because this is life, this is love and this is loss. All of these things are elements of being in your 20s and I suppose I have decided to except that all the bullshit is inevitable. I’ll get to my 30’s, I may be battered and bruised when I do but that’s just life.
I’ve decided not to sit here and complain but just to simply tell you what happened. My choice to quit complaining may have something to do with a documentary I watched last night about the abandoned and suffering children in countries not too far from my own, it had an impact. So no complaining just explaining.
He left. This you know. My beau and friend Liam left yesterday to catch a plane to Thailand and go find himself. He couldn’t do it here for whatever reason and so he was leaving. Not leaving me, just leaving. The thing I’ve come to realise in the past few days is that attachments are lovely but they fade, they have to. People break when there’s no growth and he and I have a lot of growing to do, just in very different ways.
It sounds cliche’ but maybe my grandmother was right when she said people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. My season of Liam was lovely but summer is rapidly approaching and it’s a new time.
Do I seem insensitive?
Maybe this is just the way I’m choosing to comfort myself and prevent the huge lump in my throat from becoming tears in my eyes. I love Liam but now he’s gone and I refuse to allow my days to go dark.
We arrived at the train station a little before 10am, it was busy as it always is but in my mind we were the only ones there. So I waited for the train that was going to come and take my boy off with it.
“Will you come?” he asked, four minutes before the train was due.
“Don’t ask me that” I said. I don’t know why but I thought the question was so unfair.
“Would you have if I’d asked? I should’ve asked” he said.
He should have but just as he was saying it, I was glad he hadn’t. Glad because I may have gone. I may have followed this guy around the world living someone else’s dreams. I wanted to go travelling one day but this was not that day, this day was his. I didn’t answer the question, it would have been pointless.
We never talked about our relationship or what him leaving may mean but in my head this had, as I said, been a season, the spring season and I was content to leave it there.
Our last few minutes went by both quickly and painfully slowly, there was both so much and so little to say. As the train drew in he did something he never does, he engaged me in a PDA. He picked me up and kissed me the long kiss goodbye. And for that moment we were there. And then, well you know what happened next.